Family: Collateral damage
Dinnertime was probably the worst time of day for me because my son would scream and cry. He didn’t wanna eat, he’d throw his food. Basic tantrum, right? Screams have always been bad for me, especially kids. So, pretty much every day at five o’clock, I knew I was gonna be having a flashback or something. I’m like, "Here it comes, buckle up boys." - Military Veteran
I sheltered my kids from what was going on, but the kids know there are things we can’t say and things we can’t do because it is a trigger. - Family Member
You are carrying more than you have capacity for at that time. It can be hard to put a finger on what’s happening to you. - Family Member
If families are educated early we can understand arcs, and triggers, put boundaries in early before we put bubbles around our loved ones and spend all of our time protecting them. - Family Member
When a person experiences trauma it can make it hard for them to relate to others as they once did. This can affect relationships and may make it harder to reach out for, or accept, support. When family’s attempts to reach out are rebuffed they may feel “shut out”. This can create strain, misunderstanding, and feelings of rejection and isolation.
My husband was diagnosed with severe OSI and PTSD from the trauma he suffered as an RCMP member. It was like a Jekyll and Hyde situation. Sometimes it would be Dr. Jekyll but most of the time it was Hyde so, I didn’t know him. I didn’t wanna know him. He was mean and nasty and critical, and he wasn’t interested in me. He wasn’t the person I married, not the person I’d been walking through this life with for like, 18 years. Gone, but not gone, y’know? Of course I was depressed. - Family Member
The impact on family, or a couple relationship will depend on a number of factors including:
- the severity of the OSI, PTSD/PTSI,
- the extent to which the person acknowledges these struggles and is seeking help,
- the degree to which partners can talk openly about what is happening and how it is affecting them,
- the support the partner and family are accessing.
For more information, see The impact of service on families.
Communication
Coming from a work culture that puts a premium on protecting one’s family by not sharing work experiences can put incredible pressure on the Veteran to keep their emotions tightly shut. Encouragement from a spouse to share can be seen as additional pressure.
The Veteran may be worried they will:
- lose control of self and emotions.
- to be seen as “less” in the eyes of the partner.
- hurt or scar the partner with the telling of the stories.
The Veteran may be feeling isolated, confused, and conflicted. They may feel a loss of a sense of who they are, wonder who they have become, and where this will all lead. They may be grieving the loss of who they were before these struggles, and they may feel resentful to the service. They might also feel resentful towards the partner who may be encouraging them to open what feels like a Pandora’s box.
What the spouse may experience
Not surprisingly, these trauma behaviours can take a toll on the relationship and can be very distressing for the spouse. The behaviours can be confusing and hurtful. The partner may:
- Feel left in the dark when their partner doesn’t talk to them about what they’re experiencing.
- Struggle to understand and wonder how to help.
- Feel as if their spouse has disappeared.
- Be concerned or alarmed as they witness trauma reactions.
- Feel isolated, abandoned and jealous when their partner turns to service members in difficult times.
What the children may experience
If you have children, it is important to talk with them in honest, age-appropriate ways to:
- Explain the injury, how the injury is affecting the parent.
- Identify any triggers that result in startling or scary behaviour by the parent.
- Stress that changes in the parent’s behaviour is not the child’s fault, but a result of the injury.
For more information, see Supporting children's service-related losses.