Impacts of moral injury

You may find yourself being critical of your own reactions. Shame is common, which includes feeling inadequate and a sense of personal failure. Self-criticism can take over your life. You may wonder:

• Are my thoughts and feelings normal?
• Am I just weak?
• What will my buddies think if they knew what I’m thinking?

Our inner judgments are often not realistic and are exaggerated. You might be experiencing a loss of your sense of yourself and the misperception that you shouldn’t be affected by this event. The reality is that these are situations that no one could be prepared to face.

You may feel you are being judged by others in service, by family and friends and, depending on the event, by the media or the public. If others are judging you or you perceive that they are, this can further complicate your grief. You may feel gutted by unfair and unhelpful judgements.

I’d only worked there for ten days, and it was already to the point in my mind where it was like, I can just leave… but then I’m abandoning my post. I didn’t know what kind of ramifications I’d be facing for that. But at the same time I knew that I couldn’t continue to be there and I didn’t know how to reconcile that. - RCMP Veteran

Your sense of self – who you are and how you live your life – is largely based on your values and beliefs. Moral injury can challenge your sense of self in terms of how you relate to others, what you choose to do, and what priorities you set. Losing your sense of who you are can damage your self-worth.

My time in Rwanda affected my spirituality ()

After Rwanda I no longer believed in God ()

There were so many dead, sick, and dying children after the genocide. But here’s the thing, I was there for security. I was NOT there to [care for] kids. That came back to haunt me because there are things that, as a soldier, you should be able to do but, I couldn’t. I was ordered to provide security but, I ended up just watching kids die. That’s perverse. - Military Veteran

Your career was probably far more than a job. It was a chance to make a positive change to the world and provided you with a strong sense of purpose. However, you may have been limited in what you could do or what you were permitted to do as part of your service. You may have been asked to do something you didn’t believe was morally right. This can conflict with the impact you were hoping to have on the world. It may have led you to question your career choices, or your ability to meaningfully contribute to the world.

You may begin to wonder, “What was the point?”

We found out that local women and international nurses had been working in another hospital when the Taliban came in saying that if they didn’t have a burkha to put on, they were gonna get killed. Three women happened to have a burkha in their bags and the other six women did not. Only three women got to go home to their families that day. It really changes your perspective about the world and things that happen to people… - Military Veteran

Some events are beyond words, unspeakable, and devastating. Moral injury can lead you to question or abandon your beliefs, causing you to re-evaluate your values or your sense of the world. For example, you may no longer feel that people are intrinsically “good”, that the world has some kind of order (e.g., things happen for a reason), or that you can make a positive difference with your service. This kind of disillusionment can lead you to grieve your former life and the way you saw the world before.

You may feel disappointed with the RCMP or the Canadian Armed Forces. You may have joined the service because you were genuinely interested in being “part of a solution” and a positive force in the world. You may feel misled by the very service you joined and no longer feel aligned with it. Some have found themselves thinking, “This is not what I signed up for.”

I think that there’s this frustration, guilt, and all of this has caused a certain despondency in the RCMP community. Our community is very tight and closed in, and in many ways very disconnected from others. It seems like the only person that we can trust in our household is our spouse. And I think that as humans, we always tend to look for the bad in people and law enforcement families do this especially. In my experience, we’re quite mistrusting. I have found it hard to break through that surface crust, that armor that people wear. - Family Member

Demands for police services are very high and yet there are calls to defund the police. It’s disheartening to see that sacrifice isn’t recognized, let alone honoured, by so many. - Family Member

Your career has exposed you to situations that most people can’t comprehend. This can lead you to feel that you do not receive adequate appreciation for your service and recognition for what you have sacrificed.

You may also feel disappointed by the lack of awareness among civilians of the harsh realities of the world. You may find yourself disillusioned with civilians, as if you and they are living in different worlds. You may or may not recognize that you are grieving the loss that comes with feeling apart from a world in which you once belonged.

It’s a difficult time to be a police officer ()

The growing lack of respect for police officers is hard to see ()

It’s frustrating that fewer people respect the RCMP ()