The cost of silence on the relationship
Some of this stuff is just too hard to talk about. And, anyway, I don’t want to bring it home. That’s work, right? I want to keep work and home separate. - Military Veteran
Not talking with one another about feelings and significant experiences can lead to difficulties in couple relationships. It can be tempting for each partner to take the other’s behaviour personally. You may find yourselves blaming each other for your loneliness and grief, rather than recognizing it for what it is: the fallout from active service.
There are many reasons why those serving or retired from the military and RCMP may choose not to talk about their work life: protecting themselves and their family are at the top of the list.
Self protection: I can’t go there
When an RCMP officer responds to a traffic accident, or a soldier is involved in action with fatalities or other traumas, they often shut down emotionally to do their job. Even after many years, the hardest situations can be the most difficult to share.
It was the worst shooting I’d ever come across. I work hard not to think about it. The last thing I want to do is share that horror with my husband. - RCMP Veteran
Repeatedly internalizing work experiences and difficult emotions can show up in a relationship as communicating less. The spouse or partner and family may feel shut out as they can see the person is struggling.
Protecting family: It’s my burden
While in the service, the serving partner may have been drawn into a culture that discouraged sharing difficulties. They may have valued protecting their partner at home, whether that partner was serving or not. They may believe that sharing difficult information will be a burden and hearing details may traumatize their partner (known as vicarious trauma). The impulse to protect is common and often admired in the military and RCMP - but it can cause harm in a relationship.
Managing boundaries: Spare me the details
I don’t know how she handles that stuff. I couldn’t. Although I want to be there for her, I can hold her hand, make her a hot cup of tea, pour her a glass of wine. But please, spare me the details. - Family Member
The non-serving spouse may draw a boundary around what part of service they are willing to discuss. They may have made it clear that they don’t want to hear about tragedy or “gore”. It’s important to be open about boundaries, to identify what can and cannot be shared, and to figure out together who the Veteran can speak to openly about challenges.
Maintaining perceptions: I’m not a monster
The Veteran may be hesitant to share what they have had to do in the line of duty because they want their partner to think well of them.
Ultimately, you don’t want the people you love to think you’re dangerous, that you’re a monster. - Military Veteran
When both spouses are in service
If both spouses are or have been in service, there may have been increased understanding for one another, as there is recognition that each has “been there”.
I think it was easier for us because being part of (a) policing couple we could discuss issues at work without judgement or anger. - RCMP Veteran
Sometimes there can be the same wish to protect the other - “they have seen too much themselves” - which can lead to the same struggles.
It might also be that the amount of trauma, stress and grief each individual has faced may leave them with little left over to support the other.
What the Veteran may experience
The Veteran may be feeling very vulnerable, afraid of how they may be perceived when they share disturbing events and strong and difficult feelings.
There may not have been an obvious, safe outlet for their struggles. If the Veteran has no one to speak with, they can feel isolated, and attending to their grief will be more challenging.
What the spouse may experience
It was awful. I felt abandoned. I felt like “I’m alone, I don't matter, I'm not a priority." - RCMP Spouse
You may have been deeply affected by the stoicism and silence. You may:
- Struggle to understand and wonder how to help.
- Be concerned, alarmed even, as you witness their grief and trauma reactions.
- Feel excluded and left in the dark.
- Feel as if your spouse has disappeared.
- Feel rejected, isolated, abandoned, frustrated.
- Experience resentment or jealousy if they turn to others for support.
- Be grieving the loss of the relationship as it once was.