Survivor's guilt: Why them and not me?
Mark saved my life twice and I’m not the only one who he saved… He’s got two kids who lost their dad. It’s not right that Mark is gone, and now those kids don’t have their dad and I’m still here. - Military Veteran
It’s hard to grieve when you’re bearing responsibility. It can be so much harder when you played an active role in how things unfolded. - Military Veteran
When a colleague dies, and you survive, you may find yourself feeling guilt and remorse. The random nature of who lives and dies can feel impossible to accept and you may struggle with questions like: Why did I live and she didn’t? Why him? Why am I the one still alive? This is common and natural and is known as survivor's guilt.
You may believe that the person who died deserved to live more than you because you admire who they were, what they accomplished, or because of family left behind. You may think their death has a bigger impact than yours would have.
You may wonder whether you could have done more to prevent the death or save their life.
Every time someone was killed, it was a defeat and it hit me hard. I’d be asking myself, “What if I had done this or that? Did I really do everything I could?" - Military Veteran
The impact of survivor’s guilt
Survivor's guilt can include a sense of shame or remorse, and may lead to more severe and lingering grief.
He’s dead. I’m still alive. I just… I just couldn’t get past it. I had that thousand-yard stare, y’know? Numb, cold, never really present. Everything I did… everything… was driven by guilt, and shame, and my need to prove that I deserved to be alive. Living like that, I lost connection with everyone around me. My life was empty and meaningless. No joy. Just guilt, shame, anger, and adrenaline. - Military Veteran
In some cases, it might appear that your guilt is useful, even motivating.
I would tell myself, "How dare you stay in bed?" So I got back into insane shape, overcompensating with exercise. - Military Veteran
However, this kind of motivation tends to be temporary and can be problematic. If excessive, it can cause you to behave in ways that end up being destructive, both for you and for those around you.
I’d push myself to complete physical exhaustion every day. I had nothing left for my family. Then, when I couldn’t move, I’d get on a motorcycle and drive at insane speeds. I’d forgotten how to feel anything but shame and guilt. I was cold, distant, and so, so alone. - Military Veteran
For more information, see Grief and trauma.