What you may be feeling

When a colleague dies, whether it was recent or years ago, many factors affect your grief. These may include how well you knew the person, how the death occurred, how you found out, and media coverage, among others. You may be surprised at how deeply you feel your grief, even years later. Since grief is personal, others affected may not experience grief in the same way. If a colleague seems unaffected, that doesn’t mean they aren’t grieving, they may be expressing their grief differently.

I started to feel a lot of shame about my grief. It was hard at first, thinking, "I’m a weak piece of shit. I shouldn’t be feeling this." Eventually, I started to accept that feelings happen whether you want them to or not. The more you fight them, the worse it’s going be. I learned to ride the wave. It could be the most intense feeling, but it would pass, and then afterwards the next wave would pass, and then the next, like every other wave, and then the sea calmed and it was only me who remained there. If you try to hold back the sea, you can’t do it. You have to ride the wave. Nobody likes to be vulnerable, definitely not any of us in the military. But in the right circumstances, with the right people, being vulnerable is a good thing. I can be myself and I can put it out there. I had to let my guard down, because trying to keep the ramparts up doesn’t work once the fight is over. - Military Veteran

If the death is recent, it may take you some time to absorb what has happened. If you resisted dealing with the loss while in service, but are now ready to reflect on it, you may feel as raw as when it first happened.

Your grief may change as time passes. Your thoughts and feelings might be very intense at first, or you might feel numb. You may have many different and sometimes conflicting feelings, such as anger, sadness, hopelessness, and guilt. These are all common reactions to a significant, and sometimes unexpected and traumatic loss.

You may feel guilty that you are alive and enjoying your life. At the same time, you may experience intense waves of sadness in unexpected moments as the reality of the death starts to sink in, or when images, sounds, situations, or significant dates catch you off-guard.

If others don’t recognize or understand your grief, you may feel alone and isolated with your feelings.