Strategies: What may help

In a service family, you may have had to learn to live with extended absences. Being used to the person not being part of your daily life may make the death feel less real, or like it didn’t really happen. Recognizing and accepting the loss, as hard as it is, is the first step.

I just lived in a fog and denial. I kept thinking, "Oh, he’s in Afghanistan, and he can’t get to the phone, so he can’t reach me." For me, that was the easier thing to do. I think whenever he was away, I had to work and live without him, so it wasn’t hard to continue on like that, as if he was still alive but just not here. - Family Member

Making space for each family member to grieve in their own way while attending to your own grief can be challenging… but necessary.

I would get bitter sometimes. I kept too much inside. I’d tell myself, "I don’t need help." I think I was in denial because the hardest thing for me was holding my family together. My wife was going wild in terms of her grief, and I have twin boys and a daughter, and they were having a difficult time, too.

Finally, I thought, "Jeez, I better do something." So, I started to open up more about my grief and also respect how my wife, and the three kids were feeling, because I realized that everybody grieves differently - that was big for me. And I learned about self-care, and that I needed to grieve in my own way instead of just trying to hold it together for my family all the time. So now I try to let my family grieve, but also to recognize that the way they grieve doesn’t always work for me. Tough, for sure… but we’re getting there. - Family Member

I was grieving but didn’t want to be angry and bitter ()

Rollercoaster of grief ()

Caring for and looking after yourself might seem an impossible and unwelcome task. It includes meeting your basic needs, knowing your limits, setting boundaries, and seeking help and support from others when needed It’s important to remember that caring for yourself doesn’t mean doing everything by yourself.

Grief can be exhausting and overwhelming. You may feel pressure, from yourself or others, to move on. Remember that grieving involves finding ways to balance paying attention to your thoughts and feelings with allowing yourself to take a break from them. Striking this balance is an ongoing process.

Writing as a form of therapy ()

Finding ways to remember and honour the person who died can be helpful to keep them in your life in a different way. This might be through looking at photographs, sharing stories with others who knew the person, or creating a memorial.

For the first year, I only acknowledged his death, I went to the gravesite regularly and all that. Now, I make him part of our everyday activities and make new traditions that involve him. I’d been focusing on his death, but now I focus on his life and his memory. I’ve transitioned from living in the day that he died to honouring the life he lived. So one of the things I do now is - because his favourite treats were gingerbread cookies - every Christmas I bake gingerbread cookies, and that’s a new tradition and a way to bring him with us in our lives. - Family Member

There is no wrong way to grieve someone who has died ()

• Acknowledge that your usual routines may not work for you now. You may need to find new routines, either for the short or long term.
• Let others know what you need and how they can support you.
• If those who you usually count on for support are not available, seek others who can and will.
• Spend time with others who support you in your grief – whether you feel like talking or not. Recognize any feelings of wanting to isolate yourself and remind yourself that support is crucial, now more than ever.
• Go at your own pace. Find a rhythm that works for you when taking part in daily tasks or other activities.
• Include daily rituals that feel good or comfortable to you. This could be a morning coffee, a walk outside, checking in with a friend, or writing in a journal.

Being able to connect with others who really understand I think is really important. - Family Member

Consider seeking peer support, whether one-on-one or as part of a support group, with others who have shared a loss in similar circumstances. There is nothing quite like sharing with others who have “been there” to help you feel less alone in your grief. Some find peer support is most helpful six months or more after the death.

My public speaking to Military members and their spouses ()

It is challenging to try and balance your own needs with those of your children. Your children may be grieving in different ways at different times. This is especially true for younger children, since their capacity to take in and understand their parents’ death will change as they mature. The following resource provides excellent guidance in supporting bereaved children.

For more information, see KidsGrief.ca and Supporting children's service-related losses.