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Supporting you and the Veteran in your life
Communication is key

Supporting you and the Veteran in your life
Introduction
How the Veteran may be grieving
When you have concerns: what you may be noticing
Grief and anger
Communication is key
Support: What’s not helpful
Strategies: What can help
Raising concerns
Do they need more help and how can we find it?
Self-harm
Your own grief
Conclusion

Communication is key

You need to make the conversation human. You need to make it legitimate and full of compassion, because when you feel really vulnerable, you need some space to fall into that’s comfortable and safe - at least, safe enough. It can be tough, ‘cause often we’re very rigid - very black and white in the military, and it’s not comfortable for feelings. - Military Veteran

The foundation of any relationship is caring, respectful, and thoughtful communication.

Vulnerability is disclosure, and you need to measure it by the amount of courage it takes when you don’t know the outcome: choose courage instead of comfort. Share feelings with those who have earned the right to hear them. - RCMP Veteran and Spouse

Healthy ways to communicate

For the most part, helping comes down to communication and there are ways that are more likely to open up communication than others. While there are ways of talking with one another that can lead to no one feeling supported, here are some strategies that are more helpful:

Reach out - don’t lash out

When you’re hurting, lashing out, numbing out, or being alone with your emotional pain can come easily. But these reactions only make matters worse. Instead, try reaching out. Talk together about the situation. There may still be conflicts and that’s okay, but it’s important for your relationship to work through tensions and disagreements.

If you are struggling as a couple, seek professional help – either for yourself individually or as a couple.

Timing and approach

When there’s a situation you need to discuss with the Veteran, choose your time and approach wisely. Share the problem together.

Validate: I get it

I get it. When you’re triggered by a sudden movement, or flashed on a guy’s face, you weren't here. You were back on the battlefield or at that murder scene. Your body reacted without you. I hear you. I know that's not you. That's not what you wanna do. So we're gonna find a way to help you be safe with yourself and for your family to be safe with you. - Military Therapist

Non-serving partners also need their experience to be validated. They, too, have been part of the military and RCMP in a different way. They have experienced multiple moves, deployments, loneliness, carrying the load at home alone. They may be grieving a different way of life with retirement, and the “loss” of a partner who has changed and is grieving service life and possibly suffering from OSI or PTSD.

Don’t take it personally

It’s tempting to take hurtful and confusing behaviour personally, but understanding that the behaviour is a normal reaction to a difficult situation can be an important first step for both of you.

My husband was very severely impacted by operational stress. For a long time, I was depressed and sad and I didn’t know why. I learned about grief and loss in a workshop. Every time we landed on this topic, it was so revolutionary for me. It changed everything about my experience because I had a name for it. Grief defined exactly what I was feeling most of the time. - RCMP Family Member

Try to recognize challenging behaviours for what they are – symptoms of a deeper problem that the Veteran may not be able to address or explain because they don’t understand it themselves. This is true whether the behaviour is a coping strategy to manage trauma or is due to loss of identity and change in day-to-day structure. It’s true, too, for the non-serving spouse or family who have their own hurts and losses.

The days that I’d be having panic attacks, she was just there. She would hold my hand, rub my back, that kind of thing. And she never… she never judged me the way I was judging myself. - Military Veteran

I preferred to kind of sleep on the shag carpet on my living room floor rather than in the bed. He didn’t try to blame me or label me. He just left the cordless phone on the coffee table and put a box of crackers beside me and said, “I don’t know what’s going on. But I’m just gonna leave this here and if there’s anyone you can think of calling…” He gave a couple of suggestions - my parents, my sister or brother, or you know, the mental health line. He didn’t say it first, but he put it in there amongst my choices. - Military Veteran

Without blame or judgement

If the Veteran is struggling with trauma, they may have behaviour that needs addressing. They may need to hear: “This is not your fault. Yes, you behaved this way, and that's not okay, but there's a reason”. This response and explanation may help them feel seen, heard and understood.

My wife was an education assistant. She deals with special needs kids and knows how to calm people down. So, she’d get the kids calm and she was using her skills on me too, “Just breath. It’s not your fault.” She was very supportive. Through the whole thing she was there by my side, helping me. - Military Veteran

What makes my experience so remarkable, you ask? That I’m here. That I’m still alive. When you face grief and trauma, it often gets worse before it gets better. You have to dig up all of the opportunities for trauma that you’ve ever encountered. And then you have to sift through all of the garbage to get through it. But once you’ve acknowledged the grief and trauma, then it seems to be easier to face. Our family came through extreme PTSD. I’ve seen the recovery in my husband, and the work that he’s done has been unreal. - Family Member

I’ve got your back

It’s okay. Those two words are so powerful… Not judgement. Just, it’s okay. That gives you space to let your guard down. ‘Cause, if you keep it up, keep the ramparts up, that’s when things don’t go so well. You gotta have that exposure out there. You’ve gotta be vulnerable with people to properly heal. - Military Veteran

When we feel accepted and secure in the world with the people who matter most to us, we can embrace risk, knowing we have a safe place to fall. We become far more resilient.

In the family context, you can have your partner’s back by:

When they are discharged from service, you may need to talk to the kids about the emotional distress they may be bringing with them.
If they’re having a rough day, remind the kids, “Mommy’s having a tough day. We need to give her time. She’s hurting. She lost her best friend at work.”

I know daddy yelled at you and hurt your feelings. I know he shouldn’t have done that, but I want you to remember that it’s not about you, and it’s not about us. Daddy’s hurting too. He’s still getting used to being at home and adjusting to some of the things he did for us and our country. He won’t always be like this, and we’ll all be okay. - RCMP Veteran

My son knocked over his water glass when we were having dinner the other day. I don’t know why. I just got so angry and I yelled at him. I felt terrible. I was embarrassed. I overreacted. You know, my husband just touched my hand, and that calmed me. And he said to my son, “Mommy’s having a moment. She’ll be okay soon." That helped so much. He had my back. I was able to stay and sit at the table. And breathe. And eat. Afterwards, I apologized to my son. - Military Veteran

Developing a private signal

It’s not unusual for a Veteran, especially someone with PTSD, to be triggered by a place, a smell, a movement, a noise, or lighting. It can help both the Veteran and the civilian partner to agree on a signal that quickly communicates distress. This can be something like a touch on the shoulder that says, for example: “I can't be at this basketball game right now. The lights are too bright. The noise is too loud,” or, “I need you to be with me. I just need to be still for a minute.”

Having a simple signal and committing to one another to use and respond to it can be helpful and empowering for both of you.

Being open about my own mental health has helped others ()

My wife was my biggest support during difficult times ()