Strategies: What may help

The first step is acknowledging the loss, your grief, and its impact on you. Naming your losses (friend, confidante, someone who made you laugh, your sense of fairness in the world) can help you understand how the death has affected you.

Some find it helpful to connect with the family or friends of the person who died. You could send a card or letter to let the family know how you knew them and what they meant to you. This is a way to do something meaningful to support their family and friends, but can also be meaningful to you.

If you wish to connect directly with the family, it is important to consider:

• Do they want this connection and, depending on the newness of the loss, do they want this connection now?
• What do you plan on sharing? How might this be perceived by the family? How might the family be impacted?

A first step may be to reach out to see if they’d be open to a call or meeting. Consider asking a trusted friend or counsellor for feedback on what you plan to share and how this may be received by the family.

When he was dying, he started saying who much he missed his mom and how important she was to him. So, I found his mom and I let her know that he was thinking about her in those last moments. - Military Veteran

Sharing stories with families left behind ()

Sharing tears with a fallen hero’s parents ()

From a policing perspective, it's a unique phenomena that when a police officer dies in the line of duty, especially if it's through the actions of another individual, police agencies band together and come for this huge police funeral. This is the response that that police have chosen to be able to start that healing process. And that's a collective grieving… it's a very important thing for all of us to be able to start that grieving. - RCMP Veteran

Formal events like the police funeral described above, or the Military Ramp Ceremony can help make the death feel more real. If possible, you may find it can help to take part in memorials as a way of honouring the person.

The importance of ceremony when a soldier dies ()

The impact of RCMP funerals ()

When you get together with someone you were deployed with, you may not have seen them in years but the stories start, and that’s when I can feel he’s with us… he’s right there with us. None of us have forgotten him. - Military Veteran

Getting together with others who knew the person who died and reminiscing can create camaraderie and mutual support. Gathering with your military or RCMP service family can also be helpful if you didn’t personally know the person who died, but still feel a connection to the loss.

Honouring the colleague or colleagues who died with others who knew them has been helpful to many Veterans. Whether formal or informal, in person or through videoconferencing, it can help to share stories and remember with others. This can be helpful whether you knew the person or not.

In the service, there will always be somebody who has gone through something and can relate to you. You’ve just got to reach out. Even though no one knows what it was like to lose him, I’ve always found somebody who could understand where I was at and what I was going through after he died. - Military Veteran

If attending formal or informal gatherings isn’t possible, you may want to try identifying something for yourself to do that helps you connect with the reality of the death.

We said we’d head out camping together, but there hadn’t been an opportunity for it. So I headed out for a camping trip on my own for a few days and thought about Dave. That’s when the reality finally started to sink in, Dave would never get to join me on a camping trip. I’m on my own here. He’s really gone. - Military Veteran

Finding ways to connect to the community outside the service may also be helpful:

Now I realize that Canadians haven’t been educated about what the military does. I can see I have the power to help change things… I reach out to Legion members, and I tell my story. I make new connections and I educate Canadians. - Military Veteran

Navigating your way after loss takes time, and what helps may differ from person to person.

When a fellow soldier is killed or injured ()

Remembering a fallen colleague in a meaningful way ()

We talk about anxiety and depression, but we don’t talk about how that can stem from grief. We try to gloss over grief. I was in counselling for years before anybody said, "You’re grieving." It’s not acknowledged in the long-term sense, so it takes on so many different forms. But the thing is that grief is quite normal and shouldn’t be shameful. It should be expected. Grieving is part of “warrior growth” and it deserves its own space and time. It’s hard, but it makes you so much stronger. - Military Veteran

• Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings, even the painful or scary ones. Trying to ignore them or wait them out can prolong your grief and distress, and may lead to other problems, such as relationship difficulties, anxiety and/or depression.
• Although it may be difficult, talking about your experience can help to “make it real” and shift you out of feeling “stuck.”
• Spend time in environments that are soothing or relaxing, such as taking a nature walk or listening to music. Avoid overly stimulating situations that contain triggers, such as watching movies about illness, death, or violence.
• Resist isolating yourself from others.
• Seek out people you know to be supportive who will take time to listen to you with compassion and patience.
• Try to engage in activities you enjoy (or used to enjoy).
• Continue to remind yourself that your grief is legitimate and deserves your attention. You have a right to feel whatever you are feeling.
• Consider journaling or writing about your grief. Guided journals with specific grief prompts are available through online resources or bookstores.