When your grief isn’t recognized by others

When I got back from deployment, I found myself alone and really isolated, because my wife and friends didn’t really know him or understand what it was like when he died the way he did… it was a struggle for me that there was no one I could tell my story to. And it felt like my story wouldn’t be respected or honoured anyway. I mean, look around at our Canadian life and you realize that 99 percent of Canadians don’t know anything. I lost my friend, but you don’t even know. - Military Veteran

Relationships built in the military or RCMP can feel like family, bonded by shared experiences. The pain of losing any brother or sister in service can be felt very deeply, but it can be difficult for civilians to know how deeply the loss affects you. When the service member who died is not known to you personally, it can be even harder for civilians to understand. When your grief isn’t recognized by others, it is called disenfranchised grief or unrecognized grief.

It may feel like you are carrying an enormous, yet invisible weight that no one recognizes. This can lead to feelings of isolation and make it harder to reach out for support.   

Your grief might also become disenfranchised if you feel that the CAF or RCMP didn’t recognize the death or hasn’t honoured and remembered the person sufficiently and didn’t acknowledge the grief you and others felt. You might feel that Canada, and its citizens fail to adequately recognize the sacrifice that those who serve in the military or police make when they lose their lives, as well as the impacts on family. This may contribute to your unrecognized grief.