Looking after yourself and your family
We don’t do great at promoting selfishness because it goes against ALL things military. In fact, almost everything in the world tells you this is a bad thing. So, I had to kind of retrain my brain, saying to myself, “There is more to life, and it’s time to be loyal to ME. What do I need?” - Military Veteran
Selfishness and looking after ourselves are not the same. If we don’t take care of ourselves, we will be of no use to others. It’s like the airplane instructions: you have to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others. You need to replenish yourself or you will have nothing to give to others. If you don’t fill up the water jug, when you or someone else needs a drink of water, there will be nothing there.
It may be uncomfortable at first to look after your own needs, especially when your training and career have taught you to put yourself last.
It’s hard for a soldier to focus on themselves while they’re figuring out what they want next in their lives because everything has been about investing in a team. I just wasn’t very interested in investing in myself. - Military Veteran
If you keep putting others first, it won’t take long before you have nothing left to give. Looking after your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well being can sometimes be the best gift you can give to the people you care about the most.
Focusing on family
I went from tour to tour, starting when I was eighteen. I always felt this sense of duty, patriotism, and wanting to serve my country; I’m not sure that exists anymore. It was all about doing as much as I could... but Rwanda quite literally knocked me to my knees. All through that period, I was dealing with trauma and just suppressing it. But I was an exceptional worker, so I put all of my attention into being exceptional, but what became clear was that I was really ignoring everything about my personal life. - Military Veteran
Your service responsibilities may have meant you weren’t as available for your spouse or children. Your spouse may have been carrying the bulk of parenting and keeping the relationship and family going.
Now that you’re out of the service, you will be in a better position to figure out what you and your family, (whoever is or feels like family to you) need and want. This will involve many conversations – and lots of listening - with your partner (if you have one) and (if you have them) children.
I’m usually a pretty good judge of character and I was judging my own character as shitty. And I knew what I had to do to get out of it and I did it. It meant getting the train back on the tracks, being around for my wife and kids and just trying to get back to pre-cop… - RCMP Veteran
Each person and family will respond differently to their own and the Veteran’s distress and grief. It’s going to take time, patience and ongoing conversations for everyone to adjust and adapt.