Common responses

I could see myself developing negative traits and negative habits. I wasn’t dealing with what I went through; I was just pushing it away by smoking weed but also by putting all of my attention into being exceptional. And there were a lot of guys like me, who lost everything. My personal life was gone. All that was left was work and weed. - Military Veteran

Avoidance is a way that we try to protect ourselves from painful feelings. Although you may desperately want to avoid certain memories and emotions, avoidance can leave you feeling isolated, alienated, and unable to connect with yourself, others and your life. It can keep you “stuck” in these difficult feelings.

We saw the worst of the war, and so that certainly took its toll. I think every tour eroded me a little more… So, you put up walls to protect yourself, without even really knowing that you’re doing it, you know? Your humour gets super dark, and in order to feel anything other than sadness and anger when you’re not doing adrenaline rush activities, you’re drinking stupid amounts, or doing like high-risk things. - Military Veteran

You may be using alcohol or drugs in an attempt to numb your grief. This is sometimes called “self-medicating”. Participating in high-risk and destructive behaviours can also be a conscious or unconscious attempt to treat yourself in the harsh, self-punishing ways that some part of you thinks you deserve.

Self-sabotage is when we do things, knowingly or not, that get in the way of our well-being. It is often an expression of how profound our grief, trauma, and moral injuries are. These behaviours are ways that part of ourselves is trying to get our attention to address the pain underneath. Recognizing and acknowledging that your attempts to numb or punish yourself are the result of your need to ease the pain of your moral injury can lead you to find ways to recover.

Looking back I realize that I started to change very early in my career ()

You may find yourself withdrawing from the people close to you and other parts of your life.  You might be distracting yourself by watching TV, playing video games or online shopping for hours on end, or other activities to avoid your distressing thoughts and feelings. Perhaps you feel that you don’t deserve to be around others because of what you’ve experienced, or perhaps you feel others couldn’t cope with or understand what you are going through or have been through.

While isolation may offer some temporary relief, over time, a loss of connection with others can cause a sense of loneliness that makes your distress even more difficult. Connecting with trusted and supportive others can be one of the most effective ways of addressing your grief.