Long, frequent, or unpredictable separation
Well, I think not being able to talk to him for a long time affected me a lot, and I didn’t have that for six months. I wouldn’t have that father figure to look up to kind of thing. He was there, but I couldn’t talk to him whenever I wanted to, you know. And like I didn’t learn how to ride a bike until I was like 14, 15 because he was gone all the time. He didn’t have time and it wasn’t that important when he was there. - Family Member
Long and frequent periods of separation from a parent can impact service children and youth. In the military, deployments can happen quite suddenly, sometimes within days, giving the family little time to process and prepare for the separation. Children and youth also experience loss when an RCMP parent works shift work and long hours, are away on training or postings or are consumed by a difficult case that makes them less available. You may find it helpful to look back at the list of feelings, thoughts, and behaviours kids have related to grief – as this absence is also experienced as loss.
While most service children learn to cope with uncertainty and absence in their lives, when you acknowledge and recognize their sense of loss and grief it goes a long way in helping them to adapt.
The other parent
It was hard for my mom, trying to handle everything at home with three young kids. I remember she was pretty stressed at the time. - Family Member
Kids recognize when a greater load has been placed on the other parent and can react in different ways. Some might be angry, others might be sad, others may feel a sense of responsibility to help out. You might notice that your child is feeling a need to “protect” you from their own struggles so as not to burden you further – or all of this at the same time.
Strategies: What may help
- Recognize and verbally acknowledge their sense of loss.
- Invite conversations about how they are feeling and model this by talking about how you are feeling.
- Encourage them by reminding them how well they have adapted in time to other moves.
- Let them be kids. Thank them for their help and concern but make time for them to be kids and be with their peers.
- Give them time and space to adjust.
- Encourage them to participate in activities in the new environment that they enjoyed in the past.
- Enlist the help and support of educators and school counsellors.