Opening up communication
You might want to begin by practicing some of these ideas with other trusted adults. If you feel you don’t have the capacity right now you might want to ask a trusted family member to help you. If your family is struggling, it may be helpful to seek out family counselling.
Questions to ask
- Ask what they think is going on.
- Ask what they know so far.
- Ask what they would like to know.
- Ask how they feel about what they've heard or seen.
- Correct anything they have misunderstood.
- Let their questions guide you on how much information to provide. When children ask about an event, they’re usually ready for even difficult answers.
- Try not to provide more information than they ask for.
- Give information using words they can understand.
- If you don't have the answer, it's okay to say ‘I don't know.’
Keep it short
Children can usually only tolerate conversations for short periods of time. Younger children especially will often want to go and play or do something else pretty quickly, usually because it is all they can take in at one time.
Follow up
These are not one-time conversations and need to be revisited over time. For example:
- What have you been thinking about since we talked about mommy yesterday?
- What questions have been going through your mind?
- Do you want to talk about it again? Now or another time?
Books are helpful tools
Using books geared to the developmental stage of the child on loss and grief can be a great way to introduce new ideas and language. Reading such books together invites conversation and can provide a foundation to start talking.
Now is a good time
It is never too late or too early to have meaningful conversations. If you are thinking back about the experiences of your adult children growing up with one or more parents in CAF or RCMP, it can still be very helpful to talk with them about what it was like for them as a child and now.
Create a safe space
Kids are in a steady state of exploration and investigation, constantly changing, learning and growing. When adults create safety and make space and time for kids to open up, they’re often surprised at some of the understandings, misunderstandings, feelings, observations and fears that kids are holding inside themselves.
