Grief and trauma
My dad was my hero and then he became a mean person and someone I didn’t like at all. He was being a jerk. When my parents sat us down and said he had OSI and was getting help every day I then started to understand why he changed and that he was working to get better. There were no supports for the family – we had to grow up with it. - Family Member
I fielded a lot of questions from my kids ‘Why is Daddy watching TV when it’s not on?’ I encouraged it because you’ve gotta continue to engage with kids or they’ll start to act out. - RCMP Veteran
When a parent is struggling with emotional regulation, trauma triggers, OSI, PTSD, depression and/or anxiety, regular communication and reassurance with the children and youth in the family is essential.
Kids often have an outsized concept of their impact on the family. It’s common for them to wrongfully blame themselves for a person’s behaviour. For example,”I didn’t put the recycling in the bin and that’s why dad is ignoring me - he doesn’t like me anymore”.
Children and youth can feel responsible for making a situation better or not making it worse. It’s important to let kids know that no one thinks that they are being bad or not trying hard enough to help.
When grief and trauma is hidden
I don’t know if he doesn’t like to talk about it, he just… He didn’t… And I, I’ve never had the courage to ask him about it. My dad has two good buddies that passed away out there. We have pictures from those deployments that have the arm band, like a little bracelet with their names up on the wall in the house. There were times where he would go quiet and need space, and we know something had happened. - Family Member
It is common for military and RCMP service personnel to depersonalize and disconnect from traumatic and stressful events. This can protect the soldier or member, their unit, and their mission, allowing them to do what they need to do. If this can’t be “turned off” it can be a liability when grieving and responding to loss.
Out of a desire to protect children from what the adult is feeling and experiencing, hiding grief and trauma is not uncommon, but kids know something is not right. They can end up feeling confused. They see and feel the pain but because no one is talking to them about it, or are saying “everything’s ok”, they may end up feeling that there is something wrong with them because no one else is seeing and feeling what they are.
This self-protection tactic with a focus on stoicism may impact children’s ability to acknowledge difficult situations and learn to cope in healthy ways. Families need to know that when hard things come their way it’s OK not to be OK.
How kids understand their world
It is natural to want to protect our children from emotional pain, and to believe in the innocence of childhood. Parents often worry that kids, especially young children, will be harmed or won’t be able to understand hard and complex information.
The reality and irony is that by withholding information, kids may learn that:
- whatever is going on is so “bad” that it can’t even be talked about.
- kids can’t be included in this.
- they don’t trust me.
- I can’t help.
When children and youth don’t understand something or don’t have information, they tend to make up something to make sense of what’s going on around them. This can often be scarier than the reality.
If we want our children to be able to talk to us about anything, we need to find ways to talk to them about hard stuff.
Information needs to be given in an age-appropriate way, as well as in an environment of love, trust and support.
Strategies: What may help
It can be hard as a parent to know how to start a conversation like this, and you may be worried you will say or do the wrong thing and “make things worse”. These are natural and normal feelings in the circumstances. Talking about trauma can be hard for adults as well as kids.