Public acknowledgement of a serving family member’s death
There can be great benefit to a child or youth’s grief process to have their person’s life honoured publicly. It can create feelings of connection and care. The ritual and ceremony that comes with the death of person while in service and the outpouring of sympathy from the nation can help children feel cared about and supported. The opposite is also true if the person’s life was not honoured because of the way they died, for example, from suicide.
Children, youth, and families often feel pressure from others and themselves to meet expectations of what it looks like to be grieving as well as others’ need for them to “be ok.”
Messages of solidarity and understanding can sometimes create tension and frustration. Children and youth can react to someone saying, “I know how you feel”. No one else knows the individual experience of what was lost and what they are going through.
Rituals
And I think one of the coolest things for me was that I got to fire my dad’s last round after he passed away. In the artillery, when someone retires they’ll often fire a last round, or when they pass away, someone fires the last round for them. And in my dad’s case, I was the one who got to do that, which was really cool and really meaningful for me. - Family Member
Giving children and youth the choice to participate in ceremonies and rituals can have a lasting and meaningful impact. It is important to prepare children for what to expect and provide choices and options.
Ongoing loss
Grief doesn’t end, but it changes over time and life grows around it. Special occasions and milestones will likely always have bittersweet moments.
I’m obviously over the moon happy that I got married, and I can’t wait to really start our lives together. But at the same time… (sigh) I just wish he could have been there to see it. - Family Member
It is natural and normal in grief to wish for more time together, and to sometimes regret time lost or misspent. For service children and youth, they may focus on time lost due to service. They grieve the loss of the days and moments they did not get because their service took them away from home. They may feel sad, angry, frustrated, ripped off, regretful, and more. The fact that the timing and length of separation was out of the family’s control can be an added dimension to their grief.