How the Veteran may be grieving
Thing is, grief is normal. It shouldn’t be shameful - it should be expected. Grieving is part of growth, and it deserves its own space and time. It’s hard, but it makes you so much stronger. - Military Veteran
Even though grief happens to everyone, it’s very individual. How people respond to grief and what works for them is personal too. Although grief is most often associated with death, it is a response to any loss. If you haven’t already, we encourage you to review Living with grief and loss.
It is not always easy for Veterans to identify and acknowledge their losses. Some may recognize that they are grieving events like the death of a colleague, or witnessing horrific events, but they may not recognize the grief associated with non-death events such as separation and divorce, transitioning out of the service, retirement, frequent moves, being passed over for promotion, or being ghosted by a friend.
People often think about grief as sadness and sorrow, but you may have noticed in the Veteran or yourself that grief involves many surprising and conflicting emotions.
Grief isn’t just about emotions. It also impacts:
- Thoughts
- Behaviour
- Beliefs
- Relationships
- Bodies (our physical self)
While grief is a common outcome of being in the military or RCMP, it might not show up until months or years later, often after leaving the service.
When grief sneaks up
Many Veterans have had to set aside their grief to “get the job done,” for themselves, the safety of their colleagues and for the mission or event. While grief can be delayed, it cannot be denied. It can appear when the stresses of the job lessen, and Veterans are feeling safe and relaxed - often in retirement.
Grief triggers
Grief can be triggered by smells, sounds, images, stories, and life events among others. These triggers can suddenly and often unexpectedly bring up a range of feelings of grief.
The events that the Veteran in your life witnessed or experienced may have led to a trauma response. They may have an Occupational Stress Injury, like PTSD.
For information, see Grief and trauma.
It’s also OK to be OK
You may be aware that your Veteran has encountered hugely difficult losses or events. You may be wondering how they can be OK, and they might also be asking themselves this question.
I got a phone call from one of my guys that I had been in theatre with and he’s like, “...Man, I gotta tell ya, like I’m not having nightmares, I don’t have anxiety problems, I’m not an alcoholic, I’m not abusing any sort of substances. Does that make me some kinda psychopath or sociopath? Cause, nobody said, if it doesn’t happen, it’s okay." And so I refocused some of my efforts on designing a program that would tell people that, “Hey, if you don’t have problems, that’s not a problem." - Military Veteran
Recognizing that it’s OK not to be OK has been an important advance in helping Veterans deal with grief and loss. But it’s just as important to know that not every Veteran will react to service grief or trauma in the same way. It’s also OK to be OK.