Strategies: What can help

Grief can be isolating. One of the most important things you can do for a Veteran who’s grieving is be there and listen. Don’t push them to share or speak about their loss. Just let them know that you’re ready to listen and that you can hear what they’re feeling without trying to fix it. This may also mean becoming comfortable sitting with them in silence.

What helped? After the kids went to sleep, she started sitting beside me, just quiet. She’d lean her head against my shoulder. That was enough to make me feel less alone. The only thing, actually. - Military Veteran

Advice for family members whose loved one is struggling ()

Advice for supporting your soldier when she or he returns home ()

Strategies when you are having a hard time supporting your loved one who is struggling ()

• Acknowledge the loss, their grief, and its many layers. “I am sorry this happened to you.”
• Listen without interrupting, and without trying to fix or solve their grief. “I won’t pretend to know what you’re going through or how you feel, but I am here for you.”
• Provide emotional support by spending time with them. “Would you like some company? We could go for a walk or watch a movie.”
• Listen with compassion, patience, humility and nonjudgment. “If you would like to talk, I’m here to listen.” “We don’t have to talk. We can just be together.”
• Avoid giving advice and using phrases beginning with “at least”, “you should” or “you will,” which may feel like judgments of their feelings and decisions. 

Remember that no matter how much we want to make someone feel better, what was lost cannot be recovered, and we cannot take away grief. Even though we can’t change the situation, we can be present, follow their lead, and trust that they are doing the best they can in the moment. Let them know often how much you care about them and their well-being.

Sometimes you just need to listen ()

The transition to civilian life may be eased for everyone if the family can find a way to celebrate and honour the Veteran’s service. It might be something with their detachment or their base, or with people they worked with during their career. Whatever form it takes, it needs to acknowledge who they are, what they’ve done and, perhaps most important, what they’re capable of achieving in the future. This kind of recognition can make it much easier for the Veteran and the family to adjust to their new circumstances:

• The Veteran knows that their service is valued,
• The family members can be proud of their mom or dad’s or son’s or daughter’s.

I think once I understood the aspect of grief within my own struggle, I was able to rekindle our marriage and be more proactive in how we built what we needed. I also learned the things I could do personally within my relationship and the responsibility that I could take to do my part in meeting my spouse halfway. So it’s not that we’re shiny and new and fixed. It’s that I pick my battles now so as not to add my own suffering.

I’m blessed to have been able to find my way through a very dark, dark place. And for my husband to be where he is? I’m very proud. - Family Member

It’s important to make a conscious effort to spend time together as a couple. Carve out chunks of time specifically to get to know each other again, have fun together, find each other again. Plan date nights as part of your life together.

I’ve learned a lot about co-dependency recently, which in my experience is very prevalent. It really came up for us when my Mountie ended up incapacitated as a result of operational stress… That was a huge reset for him, and he discovered all kinds of things about himself and what he needed. And then after that, our relationship bloomed. I couldn’t believe the change that came over us. We opened this big can of worms about what was necessary in our relationship to create more intimacy, more trust, a stronger sense of togetherness, and partnership. So that was incredible. - Family Member

It’s important to spend time together having fun and relaxing as a family. This can take many forms:

• Games night.
• Bedtime stories.
• Hiking on the weekend.
• A walk for ice cream.
• Playing a sport together.
• Listening to music.
• Having a BBQ.

Make decisions as a family with everyone’s input as much as possible on what the family would like to do for fun and relaxation.