Returning home after long absences
If you can’t be there all the time, if you have to be away, then when you are home you’ve gotta be present more than just physically. You’ve gotta try and carry your load. You’ve got to see what needs doing and do it, and be supportive. You gotta do your part. You gotta. - Military Veteran
What I didn’t think about at the time - figuring out how he would be part of the family and not feel left out when he came home. - Military Spouse
You might find it helpful to think about a family as a system, or a baby’s mobile. When the serving partner is away, a piece is missing that changes the balance of that system, and the rest of the family needs to adjust to be in balance again. When that piece (person) comes back, everyone in the family must re-adjust and re-balance. There can be tension as the serving member finds their way back into family life, and as family members make room for them.
Reintegration is a family affair
If it wasn’t for my family during that year… there’s a very real possibility I could have killed myself, ‘cause it was, it was not good. My kids still treated me like dad. They were there, even when I was having bad, bad times. They didn’t just pull stakes and go. - Military Veteran
The importance of family support in reintegration cannot be understated. This is not an easy transition, but with time, patience, understanding, and communication, it can be worked out.
What the Veteran may have experienced
At this point, I’m kind of an angry bear. I’m very stoic, very alpha, and you can’t tell me “there’s something wrong with you” or I’m gonna fly off the handle. ‘Cause, you’re brought in from, you know, kill or be killed and now you’re living in this environment. You turn into kind of a caveman. So to approach a caveman and tell him there’s something wrong with him, it’s not gonna go over well. - Military Veteran
The serving partner, home from a culture that values structure, routine, and teamwork, may have been:
- Feeling disconnected from those they are most connected to,
- Distressed by a home environment that may be more relaxed and unpredictable,
- Resentful because there seems to be no place for them in the family’s routine,
- Upset because the kids go to the other parent,
- Resistant to taking on mundane tasks such as cleaning, doing dishes, or taking out the trash, that were handled by junior service members.
You know what it feels like? It’s… it’s like I'm behind plexiglass, outside with my nose pressed against the window. Not good enough to be part of my own family. Just… some kind of extra. And, that hurts. - Military Veteran
What the spouse at home may have experienced
You may have been:
- Relieved they are home,
- Surprised by how they have changed,
- Glad to have them back and contributing to the family in a more direct way,
- Frustrated that re-integrating your partner into family life is one more task you had to assume,
- Discouraged that the system that was working now has to be adapted, meaning further disruption to your kids and life.
What the family may have experienced
I love my mom and everything. And I’m happy she’s home. But it’s different. Popcorn and movie night is different. Even breakfast is different. It’s not just me and dad anymore. - Family Member
You know those YouTube videos of mom or dad in uniform coming home from overseas and surprising their kid? The kid runs into their arms sobbing? That was my son last year. He’s only six and missed his dad so bad. He held on to his dad for an hour and wouldn’t let go. - Military Spouse
When the service member comes home, the family adapts to fit them into their lives again. Family members will have different reactions. They may have:
- Had trouble accepting parenting from the returning parent,
- Been confused by behaviour changes in the returning parent,
- Regressed or acted out or be unsettled with the comings and goings,
- Felt anxious about being separated from them again,
- Accepted that every family is unique and this is part of what makes their family what it is.
Each person and family will respond differently to their own and the Veteran’s emotional distress and grief.
For more information, see Supporting children's service-related losses.